it's not all about me. but it should be.

I'm starting to think that change like this (weight loss) only comes when you don't say it outloud. kinda like a birthday candles wish. do you think? that way you can be sure that it is for you and only you that you are changing.
i cant seem to motivate myself just because i've told people. also, just because i went to weight watchers all those years with mom, didnt mean it was FOR ME. it feels like i was going all those years because mom felt that she couldnt do it alone (honestly, not that she was doing it with me there either) and she needed someone with her. so i was going through the motions to support her. wasting the money each month to stay signed up, all the while continuing my bad food habits.
i finally came to the realization a while back that weight watchers wasnt going to work for me for those plain and simple reasons. my heart and my head weren't in it.
i cannot change my body until i find a way to 1)honestly, deep down want to 2) make it about me and nobody else, and 3) bite the bullet and do all those things i know to do in order to lose the weight.
life is complicated. and quite simple. when you think about it.

Hot Hot Heat

Well, the heat is kicking my butt, and NOT in a way that is pretty. Tonight, I sit in front of the fan on the floor, with laptop on a lap desk. It is reportedly 92 degrees out there. Luckily, there is little to no precipitation for my body's sake. Although, on the other hand, there is a red alert heat advisory in place in western (most of) Washington. With temperatures so high and humidity down, anything can spark a fire. Saturday and Sunday are set to be thunderstorms. GREAT. More chance of fire.
Today I had breakfast diet coke, and then went to knitting at the senior center where I drank a bottle of water. YES, I had water! For lunch, I went to Finaghty's Pub and had a bacon Caesar salad. That was great (with another two glasses of diet coke). I finally skipped the fries at that restaurant. I always go in with the idea to skip the fries, but they are always too tempting, until today. It was too hot to have hot and heavy potatoes weighing me down.
Mom is making peach pie. No clue yet what i'll find for dinner. I did have a scoop of store bought potato salad earlier.
I will most likely stop at McDonalds tonight for a diet coke mostly because it will be a hot car ride to pick up my sister from work. I'm sure she'd appreciate the cold beverage. :)

"...it has always been entirely up to you."

“Don't take my advice. Or anyone's advice. Trust yourself. For good or for bad, happy or unhappy, it's your life, and what you do with it has always been entirely up to you.”

― Nicholas Sparks
(THE BEST OF ME)

I had to make a CONSCIOUS effort to refrain from stopping at McDonalds this morning for a $1.09 Diet Coke. It was so hard, but I came right on home to my slimfast breakfast protein shake. It doesn't snuggle me quite like the fizzy diet elixir of my life, but I decided that's what I was going to do, and this time I actually did it.

Seeing as how I have to think things through first in order to make them actually a reality, I think I will have some water next and then for lunch...well, i'll have to see what's in the fridge.

The hours of 2-6 are safe today due to my nannying job. I realize that when i'm helping others, I feed myself less. While nannying, I feed the kids, but rarely partake. They have nasty water where they live, so I have to bring my own in, but that is fine. I love our water here.

Today's challenge will definately be making something out of nothing in the fridge. I know for a fact that Sam has Hot Pockets in the freezer, but NOBODY feels 1) satisfied or 2) good about their lives after eating a Hot Pocket. I will definately steer clear of those.

There are some frozen chicken tenders that I can do something with..?

Here I go into the adventure that is August 14th.

next adventure with food will be peanut butter fudge made with saltine crackers.
i cant imagine why this works but it had good reviews

green smoothie. eh. i know.

(okay here goes) i. ashley meek. have made a green smoothie. against all my better judgement. this has peanut butter (because i dont have a vitamix to crush the death out of almonds), 1 nectarine, 1/2 cup frozen blueberries (because we are out of 2 fresh strawberries), 2 cups spinach, 6 oz water (because i dont have coconut water), 6 ice cubes, and 2 packets of stevia because it tasted really gross without. here goes. i have not tasted it after the stevia, but the recipe i looked up ACTUALLY said "man up and drink it down" . so i will do it.
(also a touch of almond extract)
the stevia made the pb flavor come out. its intense, but i would say HATE. i mean i wouldnt say hate...

I can't figure out what I hate more...
struggling through weight loss or being fat...

discouraging

Well, once again I have put my cart before my horse.
I have succeeded in putting all those nice 15 pounds back on.
Who knew that coming home from house sitting would be so different for my diet. I guess while I was away, I had limited food options and a written out plan with no temptations (such as the 36 candy bars in my sister's room or the fast food drive thru after she gets off work).
I am finding it extremely difficult to stick to my OWN food plan among my....life. My family, Our kitchen, the car...
I find I tend to eat like all the food in the world will disappear in 20 minutes and I have to load up for a long winter. I am not a bear. I will not be hybernating through the winter. I am just a lazy part time nanny who mostly sits on her butt. I do not need enough food to feed a pre-triathalon 30 year old male.
So, HOW do I go about finding that thing inside me that is motivation enough to work through my journey among my family who is not on the same journey? I mean, without going on a tv reality show like Biggest Loser. yikes, can you imagine? nobody NOBODY wants to see this in a sports bra and bike shorts. gah. Least of all ME.
Right, so REALITY is, I'll have to get up every day, breathe in and out all day long and plan to walk for at least a half hour every day. This is something available to my life. I HAVE a half hour for walking. I just need to use it. Every morning, I take Sam into work and there is a park in the same town with a track around it that is 1/3rd of a mile. I should put on my walking shoes each morning and hit that three rounds. To start!
I can still use the Slim Fast diet approach to keep the calories low. Between 1400 and 1800. I would like to lose at a steady 2 lb rate. Ideally.