my raw thoughts at 1 am...

whats wrong with me?
why have i stopped doing the things that i know will help me achieve my goals?
where have my goals gone?
do i even have hopes and dreams anymore?
hmmm. i know that sounds sad, but it's 12:50am on monday morning and i am mulling over something someone said today at church. this woman told me she just met this woman with a daughter living at home that is 41 years old. okay, im not quite that yet, im still 23, but it was sad to hear that the first thing she thinks when she hears about a 41 year old still living at home.... is me.
i feel like i am not going anywhere. well, the truth is, im not. i dont have a job, bring money into the family or go to school. i just live.
i feel like i am secretly hiding behind my weight. i think this is because i always have told myself that maybe things will happen to me "when im skinny". i can start my life "when im skinnhy". maybe people will date me "when im skinny". i will feel better about my body "when im skinny". truth is, i think i have tricked myself into not losing the weight because im scared to move on and enter the real world.
i hate seeing old friends or even the ones i have right now, because i know they will ask me what i do with my life. and who wants to answer back "oh i dont have a job and i dont go to school, i just drive family around. i dont actually DO anything". i probably had such potential...
im just really sad this morning.
i have thus far failed to control the one thing that you're supposed to be able to gain complete control over, my body.
you'd think that standing on a scale every week and having someone write down your weight would be motivation enough to do it. and not to mention the 40 dollars a month that i pull together just to stand on that scale and have someone write down my ups and downs...
i am just at a point where i HAVE to figure it out. this is the body i was given to perfect and work through all my problems with. i have to make it a place where i can live for a long while. i have to love it. i have to want to move it.