If hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer

this morning at my weight watchers meeting, the discussion was on how to tell the difference between physical and emotional hunger.
it was rather interesting.
here are a few things i pulled from the meeting:

Oliver W. Holmes once said "a moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience"

DONT FEED A MOOD FOOD

NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS BEING THIN FEELS

"if hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer"

FACE YOUR STUFF NOT STUFF YOUR FACE! (my favorite of them all)

FOOD IS NOT A BAND-AID

it's much easier to keep going than to start over again

if we only ate when we were hungry, it'd be a perfect world.

a woman in the group said she did a research study of 20 thin people that have been thin their whole lives (to be so lucky!). she said that most all of them reported that food wasn't a reward for them as a child and they never eat when they aren't hungry. thats the key. think think think before you put something in your mouth. act like a thin person and you'll become one. fake it til you make it.
im not going to sit here and blame my parents or my grandparents for instilling this in my parents who passed it on to me, but i have been rewarded more than once in my life with food and im dang sure my parents were rewarded the same way. why is it we feel that food is something to celebrate with? food is supposed to be a source of energy and nourishment, not the thing we cant stop thinking about or go two hours without.

this week im going to try and focus on asking myself "am i really hungry?" and asking my food "what are you going to do for me?"
i want to be conscious of what im putting in my body and whether or not it is feeding my physical or emotional needs.

i find myself constantly trying to blame others for my excessive food intake. i have never been forcefed. why then, do i feel it's others who make me do this. the problem isnt people telling me to eat, its the fact that people eat these things and for some reason i feel deprived or something so i too eat what they are eating. whenever they are eating it. i need to figure out how to only eat when my body tells me it's hungry and not when other people tell me THEY are hungry.

slow day

apple
cocoa
spaghetti noodles with parmesan and butter
carrots
cocoa
i homemade tortilla
cocoa
orange
apple

almost immediately, tiny blisters should appear

breakfast was eat out on the run this morning:
sausage biscuit with egg
hasbrown
diet coke

lunch was small fry
whopper jr no mayo
diet coke
dr pepper

snack
salami
saltines

dinner
pbj sandwich on wheat
lemonade

snack
diet coke

today i made homemade flour tortillas. i will try them out tomorrow and let you know how they taste. theyre a bit thicker than usual store bought, but what do you expect? at least theyre baked. or not cooked in oil, whatever.
the following photo was from the recipe for tortillas. i thought it was funny that it said "almost immediately, tiny blisters should appear". who writes that in a recipe???

hot cocoa
16 oz pepsi

pork chop
mashed potatos
butter
corn and green beans
lemonade

two cookies

spaghetti
2 turkey meatballs

crackers
salami/beef stick

hot cocoa
pepsi

sunday was slow.

cocoa with two cookies before church
came home after church and had two cookies and some lemonade
had spaghetti and turkey meatballs for dinner
goldfish
cocoa
pepsi
candy canes

saturday rundown

lunch:
tortilla soup
a few chips
cookies
2 burritos (refried beans, turkey, tomato, onion, lettuce, cheese olives. 8 inch tortilla)
dinner:
rice
brocoli
fish
snacks:
lemonade
cocoa
movie and dessert:
diet coke
peanut buster parfait

im thinking about water RIGHT now.

this morning i had two eggs ( i guess you'd call them fried) that i cooked with pam and then put salt and pepper on. one piece of toast with a teaspoon of i cant believe its not butter. two strips of bacon that were broiled in the oven on a broiler tray so as to get most all of the grease off of them. mmm they were nice and crispy thin. i stopped at the gas station this morning after picking my sister up from babysitting and got a 16 oz dr pepper. with lunch i had lemonade and hot chocolate.
for a snack i had a few cheezits.
lunch was burritos. two 8 inch flour tortillas, refried beans maybe 1/4 cup total, ground turkey with taco seasoning, cheese, lettuce, onion, tomato and olives.

i havent yet had dinner, but i plan on having two more of the same style burritos.
in the afternoon i had a hostess cupcake and lemonade crystal lite.
now im going to go drink a glass of water and pour myself a second one.

i stepped on the wiifit today and it told me i was up 1.8lb. of course i am. urgh. but i know it is my fault. its always my fault. nobody is sitting on me and forcing food down my throat. i am the reason i am how i am. i am the reason for everything i feel.

the line up

diet coke
medium mcdonalds fries
mcchicken no mayo
chips
refried beans
cheese
salsa
olives
onions
1 skor bar
diet coke
mr pibb
pretzels
marshmallows
sunflower seeds
chocolate
lemonade
kitkats (2)
raisins
coconut
lemonade
20 cheez nips

are you ready for this?

water
hot cocoa
nachos with:
chips
refried beans
cheese
onions
olives
salsa
lemonade crystal lite
cheezits
lemonade
4 pieces red licorice
sunflower seeds
raisins
cheezits
7 pieces red licorice
weight watchers weigh in...
up 1 pound....urgh
taco bell:
beef taco
2 beef chalupas

diet coke
dr pepper
apple turnover

here comes the TERRIBLE PART.
i felt bad, and i lashed out at myself by getting from target one of those 8 mini packs of kit kats and ate the whole pack. while playing on the new wii fit. counterproductive for sure...thats an equivalent of four kit kat bars of a regular size. ew.
then i had some lemonade crystal lite.
wow.
i am ready to change. i think. how can i get much worse, right?

run through of my day today

wake up
breakfast was mcdonalds:
sausage biscuit with egg
hashbrown
diet coke

lunch at home
caesar salad with parmesan cheese and chicken and croutons with caesar dressing
cheezits
diet coke

snack
hot cocoa
cheezits
reeses whips candy bar
1/2 safeway bakery portion (huge) piece of german chocolate cake

dinner
green beans with butter and salt
diet coke

i can see that tomorrow i will have to have a ton of water. my insides are killing me. and have been for two days. constipation...TMI. but it's true. its there and its real.
and greens.
tomorrow i will focus on getting in my water and my greens.
(i dont always get three meals a day, but i do a lot of snacking...)

“Just get right back in. One bad choice, meal or even day will not ruin all the good choices, meals or days you've had. Just be kind to yourself and move forward.”

tacos.

this morning i woke up, took a shower, had some crystal lite and went to a church thing for three hours. that was fun. didnt eat til i got home...which sadly was 4oclock. i made two corn tortillas with cheese and salsa. kinda like a quesadilla, but weird. that was yummy. tonight i had three tacos from taco time and a diet coke. oh, i also had some chocolate covered pretzels/raisins/marshmallows stuff that i made up.

my raw thoughts at 1 am...

whats wrong with me?
why have i stopped doing the things that i know will help me achieve my goals?
where have my goals gone?
do i even have hopes and dreams anymore?
hmmm. i know that sounds sad, but it's 12:50am on monday morning and i am mulling over something someone said today at church. this woman told me she just met this woman with a daughter living at home that is 41 years old. okay, im not quite that yet, im still 23, but it was sad to hear that the first thing she thinks when she hears about a 41 year old still living at home.... is me.
i feel like i am not going anywhere. well, the truth is, im not. i dont have a job, bring money into the family or go to school. i just live.
i feel like i am secretly hiding behind my weight. i think this is because i always have told myself that maybe things will happen to me "when im skinny". i can start my life "when im skinnhy". maybe people will date me "when im skinny". i will feel better about my body "when im skinny". truth is, i think i have tricked myself into not losing the weight because im scared to move on and enter the real world.
i hate seeing old friends or even the ones i have right now, because i know they will ask me what i do with my life. and who wants to answer back "oh i dont have a job and i dont go to school, i just drive family around. i dont actually DO anything". i probably had such potential...
im just really sad this morning.
i have thus far failed to control the one thing that you're supposed to be able to gain complete control over, my body.
you'd think that standing on a scale every week and having someone write down your weight would be motivation enough to do it. and not to mention the 40 dollars a month that i pull together just to stand on that scale and have someone write down my ups and downs...
i am just at a point where i HAVE to figure it out. this is the body i was given to perfect and work through all my problems with. i have to make it a place where i can live for a long while. i have to love it. i have to want to move it.

cookie dough!

these aren't so much my problem

as my eating a ton of this (the dough)

meatloaf

tonight, i made this perfect meatloaf. and salad with tomatos, brocoli and lettuce. i made the salad dressing with olive oil and vinegar and seasons. and i also made baked potatos. yum. that was dinner.
my sister bought me....dun dun DUNNNN. diet coke this morning when i picked her up from work. we shared some gardettos and then i ate some peanut butter fudge around lunchtime. i drank water while i made dinner. i actually thought about drinking water. this is good.

life just is.

right about now would be the point in a blog that anyone else would give up. and i kindof feel it, but im not going to. this is life. and its hard. but its kinda all we've got.
i just watched "Garden State". it is such a raw beautiful movie about life and realizing things are just what they are.
this is my life. i eat badly and i think i want to try to eat better. whether i change or not, i still have to live with it. this is me. i only have one body and unfortunately its what it is. its not what it can be. and maybe thats beautiful all by itself.
today was brought to you by Burger King. need i say more? really, i ate there twice today and then came home and had rice and chicken stir fry. and then pretzels with white chocolate on them. i also finished off the night with some cocoa and a movie.

ben franklin

today was a long fun day of driving to ben franklin for yarn and happiness. mom and i took a friend of ours to kens restaurant (like overkill ihop) and i had bacon, eggs, hasbrowns and toast. and diet coke. then we headed on out to ben franklin. we didnt have lunch because breakfast was still with us. i made some white chocolate covered pretzels today and mom and i snacked on those. i only had soda to drink, no water today. this is my problem. well, one of them. i know it. soda. for dinner, dad brought home a pizza and we cooked it. i had two slices. it was not awesome but not bad tasting. the rest of my time was spent knitting and playing fishville on facebook. it was an interesting and fun day.

well there definately was more of me today

not less...
i served at our church's cannery today and hadnt eaten because i woke early and left before thinking about food. after my service, my mom and dad and i went to taco bell for lunch. chalupas, taco and of course soda.
dinner was with my sister after our institute class at 845. ugh. i even knew i was making a bad choice. i was contemplating the menu when i said "the menu never changes, but i can". but then....i chose wrong. i had the chicken nuggets, fries and soda meal instead of the wrap or salad. fail.
recognition? yes.
adjusting my choices to better my overall outcome? no.

monday, january 11th 2010

monday. what did i eat monday? i went to taco time for dinner and had a soft taco. yum. with the mexi fries and diet coke. mom was at quilting all night, so my sister and i went to my brothers house to hang with them and their new babytot. i love her. today i also finished off the few cookies that were left from sunday night when i baked about three dozen russian tea cookies. (i forgot to mention the cookies in the sunday post). bottom line, there have been cookies this week. and now they are gone, unless people make more. i hope they do not.
anyway, yesterday. i pretty much had the taco time. no, i remember now. taco time was lunch. dinner was mini meal mcdonalds no mayo chicken burger with small fry and diet coke. thats right. who are we kidding here? duh, of course i had drive thru. ugh.
i didnt have so much water monday.

sunday, january 10th 2010

so sunday night, i got in late. like 230am. eek. i spent all evening with friends and i had a lot of fun. the day consisted of a blt and cookies. and a small candy cane. and diet and water. water water water. i actually had some water sunday.
and the last few days have been up late tired, so i will now write about yesterday.

biscuits. biscuits. biscuits.

sam and i weighed in this morning. so it's been a post-weigh-in kind of day... after the weigh in, i had to drive her to work, but we were a bit early, so she decided we'd stop at mcdonalds for some breakfast. i had the sausage biscuit with egg and hasbrown and diet coke. that was good, but i really just wanted to potato and the diet coke. the afternoon was spent at my aunts house and she made us this potato keilbasa chowder with biscuits and to finish it off...pecan bars. to. die. for. it was a lot of carb. i practically fell asleep in the car on the way home. dinner was at taco time. i had three tacos and a diet coke. today was out, carb load, out. and carb load when i was out. yuck. sorry me.

13 reasons why...

so right now, im reading a book called "13 reasons why" and it is about a girl that has killed herself and left tapes telling people its their fault. not so uplifting, but its written well, or good enough. ANYWAY. NOT ON THE SUBJECT OF KILLING YOURSELF, i was going through my old weight watchers weight booklets looking for all of them so i could make a visual chart to show myself that i CAN in fact do this... when i noticed that there are 13 total weight booklets (including the one i'm in right now). i thought that was kindof funny. not 13 reasons to kill myself (as the book would have it) but 13 reasons to change my life.
13 reasons i know i can do this.
13 reasons i know it works.
13 reasons to finally get it right.
thats what was going through my head this evening.
oh AND, i was also thumbing through notes i have taken at the meetings and i came across these things:

"it's about finding help, changing your life and getting healthy"

be consistent
take care of yourself
success will follow

"success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines, practiced every day"- john rohn

prepare and prevent rather than repair and repent

"we may have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now" -martin luther king

"take control of your consistent emotions and deliberately reshape your life" -anthony robbins

FACT: 57% of women over 18 who have to lose 11+ pounds claim to overeat during emotional situations.

here is a picture of all of my information i've accumulated, that should have helped in the past and hopefully will help in the future and the NOW...


here's to a healthy eating day tomorrow!

red robin night

today i knew i was going to red robin for dinner with my sister and cousin, so during the day i hoped to eat better, but...
crystal lite
three chicken pieces microwaved (safeway frozen section chicken pieces)
2 sugar free applets
2 pieces of moms homemade fudge. 1 inch pieces.
then at red robin, i had been dreaming all day of the raspberry limeades, so i drank THREE of them. they were yummo.
for dinner i had the chicken caeser wrap with steak fries. it was good as well.
but now im stuffed. not a good idea, to stuff yourself just because you went out to eat.
it is just food. that is my ultimate goal. to convince myself it's only food. fuel for living.
i love myself anyway.
at least today.

January 7th 2010

okay, so i'm writing this on the 8th. sometimes nights are busy, or lazy. lazy mostly. so here i confess for yesterday.
terrible ashley.
split lg fry with sam and had an ice cream cone.
had a large apple
crystal lite iced tea
split a 10 piece nugget meal with diet coke with sam
1 pk bbq sauce at mcdonalds for the nuggets
a few rollos and three cookies during our wii game in the evening.
i am ready to figure out how to get reinspired.

here we go again

aweful day two.
i will make it quick.
i have to spit this out or i'll never do it.
morning: shared fries with sam and had a ice cream cone. on the road.
afternoon: pear, two pieces of strawberry jam/butter toast.
evening: white chocolate pretzels. fudge, cookies.
water
crystal lite
apples
thats all. ALL, i know. wow. i cut out cute little stars today to glue on my calendar for every day that i exercise.

just call me leroy brown...

cause today's eating was BAD BAD...ugh. why do i do this? why?
this morning i woke at eight but didnt eat until 1pm when mom and i had angus burger meals at mcdonalds with diet cokes. we went to visit with my grandparents in kirkland for a while and then headed to pick up my sister from work then we went home. at home i didnt eat anything. at about 8pm i met with a few friends at dennys and split half of an appetizer plate with one of the friends (she only ordered half the plate in the first place, so i guess it wasnt THAT bad) and i just had water to drink. a lot of it.
okay, so now that i've put it all down...WAIT! i remember why i thought today was terrible!
i had TWO candy bars today. a reeses fast break and a kit kat bar. oink oink ash, oink oink. at least i had water today.
another thing i noticed, was that i am getting uncomfortable sitting in booths at restaurants. THIS HAS TO STOP. THE BEING BIG PART. i have to be able to fit nicely in the booth with friends. ugh. that was my ugly truth moment of the day.

driving away from the wreck of the day

Play by play.
breakfast: i was asleep until 12 and went to pick up sam, so nothing.
lunch: beef mexi platter from taco time. consists of beef taco, beef crisp burrito, beans, lettuce, chips and a few mexi fries. diet coke.
snack: 1 cookie, three small pieces of fudge, peanut brittle, diet root beer
after taking sam to babysit in the evening, i watched some tv and thumbed through a library book about domesticity until 930 and then read from a novel until sam called saying she was ready to be picked up. on our way home, she stopped at the store and got me a diet coke and she got chocolate milk.
no dinner (at least formal dinner) was had today.
i sucked in my stomach probably a dozen times today. it was rainy/wet/cold today so i didnt get myself outdoors to go on a walk. i played mario brothers wii with my sister instead. lame substitute. it was nice to remember to suck in. i felt very powerful in doing so because for the first time ever, i sucked in my stomach because I wanted to and not because my mom was telling me i should (though i'm sure she'd be happy to let me know i should be doing it often anyway).
anyway.
that was today.
now im going to read and go to sleep. tomorrow i might knit some socks. or sew a purse. you never know. I never know...

one day at a time

i am truly tired of telling you every day that it wasnt my best. my life is in a funk right now, which is NO excuse, it just helps me veer off the course more often. anyway, the question is "what am i going to do about it?" right? i am committing to doing SOME sort of activity tomorrow, be it 15 minutes on the exercise bike, a walk around the block or a bunch of crunches on the ab roller. something will get done tomorrow and i'll tell you about it.
today was nice. i woke at 11 and slowly got ready for church, which as of the new year got switched from 9am to 1pm. so nice. i was refreshed and awake for church for once. i enjoyed every minute of it. after church, i came home and had some dip and veggies. i made sure to eat a lot of broccoli so as to get in my greens. i then made some chicken strips and had a soda.
the evening was spent at a friend's house playing board games all night and drinking lots of ice water. it was good for me to get in the water. i peed a lot, which was also a good sign.
after gamenight, i am embarrassed (a little) to say, my sister and i went through....THE DRIVETHRU. i had to go to the store anyway to get some oil for the van, so we were already "in town" and she wanted some fries. i got the mcchicken again with no mayo, small fry and a small diet coke. yum. i do love having chicken in my belly.
the other day i noticed that i never suck in my stomach like our moms used to say when things werent fitting just right or we were slouching. why doesnt mom ever say that anymore? am i beyond sucking in my stomach? i think not. i am going to try and do it as much as i think about it tomorrow, because it couldnt hurt. it might be quite an effort because i havent done it in a while. this is sad.
i dream of having awesome stomach muscles.
i am going to make it happen.
one day at a time.

Aim For Success

"nothing happens for naught. Everything comes up for a reason"

"by small and simple means, proceedeth that which is great"

these are two things i heard spoken this week and they were a little helpful in inspiring me to start anew this year.
this morning at my weigh-in, i learned (or heard for the eighteen thousandth time) that in order to get what i want i have to be clear on what i want. more often than not we find ourselves talking more about what we dont want than what we do want. by writing it down (and what a perfect time to be writing down goals than the first of the year), it becomes real, we can see and know what exactly it is that we want and come back to it to remind ourselves of that goal.
this week i need to reach into my soul and pull out what i want, not what i dont want. and i need to write it down somewhere where i can go to it easily.
i also need to CLEARLY define what it is that i want. use specifics and times, dates, places, people, sizes.
next i will need to make sure that what i want is something I CAN (and WILL) do, not something someone else would have to do.
lastly i need to make it fit in my life. be sure that what it is i want can be part of my lifestyle NOW.
i thought about it today while in my room thinking through things and i have decided that my overall weight goal is a bit daunting to think about in terms of "what is your goal for this week". my goal that i will be setting in front of myself is 5 lbs. i can lose 5 lbs. i WILL lose 5 lbs.
a man by the name of Gary R. Blair said

a goal is created three times.
first as a mental picture.
second, when written down to add clarity and dimension.
and third when you take action towards its achievement.

may the week bring happiness and success to all who are struggling through something in their life.

today was fast. i woke late after having gone back to sleep upon arriving home from the weight watchers meeting at 8am. mom and i had some veggies and dip for lunch and into the afternoon while we watched some movies and enjoyed time together drinking diet cokes.
for dinner, i didnt have anything green...i heated up some frozen chicken strips and had them with bbq sauce while i played video games with my sister.
work on water!
work on water!
work on water!
this needs to be a mantra of mine. i love water, i do, i just find it hard to fit in right now. and there is no excuse for this.

it's a brand new day

today i slept in late because i was up until 230am driving back home from picking up my sister, but anyway. i slept in and woke at about 1pm. my family then went to fred meyer and walmart and the dollar store because they needed a few things and my sister had a gift certificate burning a hole in her pocket. that was fun. we stopped at taco bell and i had two chalupas and a beef taco without sour cream. im really not a fan of white creamy sauces. ever. thats a great thing. i didnt have as much GREEN as i wouldve hoped to choose. i did notice that the place had green beans. maybe next time. i was aware of what i was doing though.
tomorrow morning at 730am (eek, thats early considering it's 2am now) my sister and i are going to go weigh in at weight watchers before she has to be to work at 9am. we've been with weight watchers for a good year now, not that you'd be able to notice...oh well, it's a brand new day. i am finding myself more aware of what ive been putting in my mouth. another step closer to figuring this all out.
next step, incorporate excerise into my day. even if it is sooo cold outside. and wet. it shouldnt matter. nothing should be getting in my way of helping me feel better about myself. nothing. and no one.

Happy New Year Ashley!

Youre right, this is technically the second, but im reporting in on New Years Eve. so pretend this is December 31st 2009.
this day consisted of dip and veggies and some pita chips and bread rounds. i woke at about noon and had a BLT without mayo for lunch/breakfast time. then came the veggie dip snacking. all day. i figured since i was going to be snacking all day, i'd have some green on every plate i ate from. i had lots of broccoli and cucumber. it was delicious. mom and i went to the store for snacks for the evening and we didnt even buy chips. it was really powerful. we did get diet sodas and pita chips for the dip, and sparkling cider for the midnight thing, but we are making sure to always have something vegetable/green/fruit on our plate whenever we sit down to eat something. i think this will work nicely.